Marriage Isn't Required for Older Couples to Have Great Relationships
In Rochelle Ventura's view, the experience of marriage at 22 was like being a domestic slave. We were equals. Now 83 and living with Phil Doppelt, 82, a retired software engineer, she says, We were equals. The first thing I said was dinner was not my responsibility every night.
The couple divides their time between her home in Los Angeles and his in San Jose, keeping their finances separate. Since they have been together for more than a decade, they have found love and joy without getting married. She says that in her marriage, she never felt like her own person. I felt stuck. As a result, I can leave at any time if I want. However, Phil is the one person I can't imagine wanting to leave.
Both Ventura and Doppelt are riding social and demographic waves. During the last twenty years, older couples' social landscapes have changed drastically. As Bowling Green sociologist Susan L. Brown points out, it is the older population that is leading the way through changes in the family. Divorce rates after age 50 doubled between 1990 and 2010, says the author. The result? More older singles.
Whether they meet online, at the gym, or at church, they are pairing up in unprecedented numbers and ways. Despite steady remarriage rates over 50, cohabitation in that age group more than quadrupled between 2000 and 2020. Statistics on LATs (long-term committed couples living apart together) are scarce, but a study by Huijing Wu from the University of Western Ontario in 2011 found that about a third of unmarried but partnered adults over 50 in Wisconsin were LATS.
These couples don't just differ in the way they partner. Researchers at Boston University have studied re-partnered older couples and found they are more likely to be financially equal, more autonomous and freer from gender roles than younger couples. If they are cohabiting or remarried, Carr says, that seems to be true as well. Carr has not studied LATs. Despite this, autonomous living and equality are inherent to the very idea of living apart together.
over 50 dating sites free says social attitudes are also changing. The stigma of cohabitation once meant living in sin or being lesser than marriage. Even if some still disapprove, many older adults do not mind. It's not easy being 60 years old, but I'll do whatever I like.
Their real difference is what they're not doing-raising children or acquiring wealth together. Although many couples are married, they keep their finances separate. As Pennsylvania certified elder-law attorney Tammy A. Weber points out, that is true for more than 75% of clients she represents. A majority of people want to pass on their assets to their children. Some individuals wish to retain Social Security benefits or alimony received from a former spouse. They keep their money separate for more reasons than just fiscal impact.
The 68-year-old financial planner, Maryan Jaross, lived independently and autonomously following her divorce, she says. It wasn't easy giving it up. The shoes I own can be exchanged even if I have 100 pairs. A 60-year-old woman lives happily with 65-year-old Tom Lepak, who works in sales for an industrial construction firm. She has built a legal wall between their finances because of this and other reasons.
Women like Jaross, economically independent, capable and determined to have equal relationships, are not rare. Lepak does the dishes and laundry but she loves to cook. Aside from making the bed and doing yard work, he also likes to spend time outdoors. Employees are hired to do what neither wants to do. "We don't have kids under foot and obligations are huge," she says. Couples now have a different mindset.
Partners like these feel no obligation to operate as a unit when they visit family, friends, or travel. Some of Jaross and Lepak's children see them separately, some with them together. A few days will be spent with his brother in the East; a month will be spent with her mother in New York. In some cases, they travel separately, as do Doppelt and Ventura. While Ventura tours Cuba with women friends, Doppelt is hiking in South Dakota with five other guys. I believe it is okay to travel separately, he said. It's hard to imagine that feeling when I was previously married.
It is most common for couples who expect to continue living in their own homes for their entire lifetimes to have less traditional relationships and more freedom. They can avoid a conflict over all the habits, needs, and people in their lives accumulated over the years by living apart. He likes the mornings, and she sleeps late? No problem. The temperature needs to be at 65 while she can't be comfortable unless it's at 75? Not an issue. What happens to her grandkids when they run wild around her house? Hey, its her house. They have lived on their own for years and need their own space and solitude.
Jeff Ostroff, the host of the podcast Looking Forward, lives apart from the woman he calls the second love of his life in suburban Philadelphia. The man in his late sixties lives on his own schedule, spending time working, browsing social media, exercising, volunteering, and spending time with friends and family. A man and his girlfriend have been together for over six years, and they talk and video chat several times a day, sometimes for longer than an hour at a time, but rarely see one another in person. The solitude he enjoys during the week means he can focus almost 100% of his energy on her.
No matter if they marry, live together, or live apart, what really sets them apart is their emotional connection. Their lives have been transformed by life's major transitions, such as having children or having an empty nest. Who and what they are they know. They know what matters to them and what doesn't. Sociologist Teresa Cooney found that older couples who remarry later in life have better problem-solving skills and argue less than those who marry younger.
The majority of older adults are not compelled to remarry, but if they do, they choose a partner that suits their needs and lifestyles. The cohabitating woman who told me that her first husband was a fantastic father told me she was right. He was an excellent partner for early and midlife, but not later. People who partner later in life choose each other solely for the relationship, for the love, companionship, and emotional support it offers.
Chaya Koren, a psychologist at the University of Haifa, found that in remarriages, each spouse felt more like an individual within their relationship, fostering both greater equality and deeper intimacy. Torbjorn Bildtgard, a Stockholm University sociologist who studied romantic relationships after retirement, says time acts paradoxically on older couples. However, they have more free time together. On the other hand, they know their remaining time together is limited. Being able to find each other brings them immense joy. They cherish their love.
Lepak expresses it this way. Instead of worrying about the future, he says, we make the most of every moment we have together. This is our soulmate, and we feel blessed.